Shabbat Parashat Tzav 5786

Moreshet Shaul: Character Refinement – part III

We have seen Rav Yisraeli’s thesis on how the change-seeking, state-building generation gave their children a level of autonomy that the children turned into chutzpa and how this has applied to the religious settlement movement as well.

What does a life of respecting others, especially elders and parents, give to the prospect of upholding values?

A. Vigilance regarding the sanctity of property and a counterpart’s value – When someone worked hard, did not steal to survive, and has the spirit of the living G-d in his midst, he deserves respect because of the form and spirit of Hashem within him. It is more obvious when this person is wise and gives to others, and especially if his counterpart is a recipient of his kindness from a young age. This is a debt of gratitude that every person must pay.

B. A restraint for the emergence of egotism within a person’s animalistic side – Clearly, there is a difference between what a person allows himself to do when he is alone and what he does in public. This is true when the public includes people who have an impact on him. People whose opinion and essence are unimportant to him will not restrain him. If one [follows the Rabbis’ instructions] to treat his friend like his rabbi and fear his rabbi like Heaven, then everything he does is more thought out and fitting to his values. If one does not value his friend’s honor and honors his rabbi like a friend, we can but imagine how his fear of Heaven will be.

C. The ability to be influenced positively – When one [treats parents with respect], it helps him be influenced by them; this works primarily indirectly. Who from the previous generation did not tremble at all when he thought of his father or grandfather? Who did not value their positive characteristics and try to draw somewhat close to them? If the Torah demanded honor, it is clearly not for the sake of the object of the honor, for honor is not good for them, as the Rabbis said: “Jealousy, desire, and honor remove a person from the world” (Avot 4:21). They tell us (Yoma 87a) that when Rav Zutra was carried by his students into the lecture, he would say: “For prominence does not last forever, nor does a crown endure to every generation” (Mishlei 27:24). Rather, the honor is critical so that the honored person will be able to lead the honorer on the proper path in life.

Therefore, it is important to be very vigilant not to turn simplified relationships into lack of manners. It is better to err by using too much manners than too little.

From here we can learn about educating children. It is forbidden to allow children to relate to their parents and teachers with a lack of manners and honor. They must not call their parents by their names. A parent must have a set place at the table, in which a child will never sit. They must get used to addressing them politely. Children should hear the words “please” and “sorry” and be expected to use them. They should be used to saying “Shalom” in the house in the morning and evening and to everyone they meet on the street.

Violence by children is a bad habit that can become a precedent for their way of life. They quarrel over things that are important to them like a stick or a smooth stone, and the stronger child decides to take what he wants by force. One must use all available tools – speech, habit formation, and real punishments – to eliminate this wrong path.

I heard a father telling a boy complaining about being bullied: “Go and hit him back.” Not only is this a poor approach, but one should teach with all his strength the virtue of patience and maintaining self-dignity. It is better to respond: “Do not play with him until he asks forgiveness.” One must not under any circumstances legitimize the violence that the counterpart improperly used [by urging to mirror his action]. One should not recommend it or even see the positive in it. “The left hand should push away, whereas the right hand should draw one close” (Sota 47a).

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